The Carry-forward Effect

A few minutes back

23:45 Hrs

‘IT’S JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE, RIYA’ I yelled. My daughter looked at me with a vacant gaze. Her eyes seemed to water. I didn’t want to bother.

Stella stopped serving. I pushed the plate away and walked off.

‘Neither do I want anything’ I heard Riya say, as she too walked off the dining table. Though dominating, Stella wasn’t mean enough to eat alone.

I walked in to my room and shut the door close. I crashed on to the bed.

Whatever it could be, I can’t stand her marrying Vikram, I tried to convince myself.

Around 20 years back,

Random Day - #1

15:45 Hrs

It was a calm and serene afternoon. Sudha could hear the birds chirping. The nap had refreshed her. Much what a homemaker needed. The evening was setting in, evidenced by the breeze that was getting cooler. It was fifteen minutes to four. She yawned lethargically and managed to get out of the bed. She came in to the hall tying her hair in to a bun. Anuradha was napping on the cold mosaic floor, flat on her stomach. The right hand was pillowed under her ears as she held her mobile on the other. Sudha stood there admiring her daughter sleeping like a child.

‘Sudhaaaa...’ Jagadish called for his wife as he entered in to the hall.

‘Shhhhhh’ Sudha said placing her index finger over her lips, gesturing him to stay quiet.

‘Whaaaa...’ Jagadish didn’t finish question. He smiled at his daughter sleeping like a child.

‘Beautiful, isn't it?’ Sudha asked, a smile flooding her face.

‘Very. She is my daughter’ Jagadish said with an air of pride around him.

‘And mine as well’

It’s weird how much your parents admire you when you sleep but end up yelling at you when you are awake. Probably, our adolescence gives them the mood swings.

‘OK. Can I get a coffee now?’ he whispered into his wife’s ears.

‘Ya’ she replied and moved towards the kitchen, tucking her paloo into her hips. Jagadish got the remote and slouched on the sofa.

The mobile in Anu’s hand beeped. Sudha took the mobile from her hand, without disturbing the slumber.

1 Message Received – Neil: the home screen displayed.

“When are you going to talk about our marriage sweetheart?  :-* J I love you my wife. Rather future wife” the message read.

Sudha stood there frozen.

‘What’s that?’ Jagadish asked, grabbing the mobile from her hand.

Their daughter was in love. He was a Christian. That was worse. And worst of all, they thought they were the best of friends. All of this was unexpected.

Beach – 18:00 Hrs

How on earth did they find out? Why the hell should they make it an issue? What are they going to talk to me? Can’t they wait till I finish my studies? Is that such a blunder to liek somebody?

There was something metaphorical about the waves lashing her feet and thoughts that were lashing my head. Innumerable. She stood by the shore, holding her salwar up. Anuradha had her head bent and was careful that her salwar wouldn’t get tad wet. I had my hands hugged around my knees and watched the waves lashing the shore and retreating slowly. My toes dug deep into the loose beach sand. On a simple note, I was guarding her slippers and purse. The dusk had set in as the city slowly started lighting itself. The ships at the horizon became clearer as every second passed by. The moon was rising, lighting the darkening skies.

The moonlight flooded the ocean as the stars slowly became visible. I continued watching the waves with a pointless glare. She would get excited if she’s the moonrise, I thought. She looked up.

She turned back and smiled. I smiled back, weakly.

She loosened her grasp on the salwar and walked to me.

‘What’s wrong?’ Anu asked, as she squatted beside me.

‘Nothing’ I lied. ‘When are we going to meet them?’ I asked

‘You seem worried’ she said, sensing the turbulence that my eyes showcased.

‘Not really’ I said. Actually I was worried. I preferred not to tell her. But then, she had guessed there was something wrong though she couldn’t find what.

‘You are worried if my parents would agree, right?’ she said, her eyebrows going up questioningly.

Damn, she found the reason too. When somebody guesses the truth that is not to be revealed, stay silent. And, I did that.

‘I think my parents will like you’ she said, touching my shoulder reassuringly. She presumed my silence for a yes. I wasn’t if I was the guy in the relationship. She was giving me reassurances. I thought that was a guy’s job.

‘Anu, but how do you think they’ll like me?’ I quizzed.

‘What’s wrong about you man?’ she asked. I thought that was a wrong question. I could’ve been giving lists for that. Thank God, she decided to answer it.

‘Don't worry man! My parents will like you’ she reassured.

‘But....’ I continued to gape at the sea.

‘See,’ she said, turning my face by the chin towards her. She looked into my eyes. ‘You understand me, you will be earning very soon, you are a veggie, you pray, you are ambitious, responsible and caring.

‘But then, I am a Christian. I don’t talk Kannada. I don’t celebrate Pongal, Diwali and Ugadi’

‘So what?’

‘So how do you convince your parents with all that?’

‘I love you, Neil’ she said with a smile. ‘I am happy with you and that’s all my parents need. They need my happiness and I need you for that’

Her logic was simple and her smile was gracious. It was smile for which you could shell out millions. It brought back the smile in my face and gave me the courage I needed to face her dad.

Random Day - #2

I parked my bike, removed my helmet and saw myself in the rear view mirror. I combed my otherwise unkempt hair. She liked my hair unkempt but I presumed her dad would want a decent-looking, well-groomed son-in-law. And, first impression is always the best impression. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I walked into the apartment. Door No. C 710 was in the 8^th Floor. That compelled me to take the elevator. I pressed the elevator button and waited for it to come down all the way from 8^th Floor. Someone should have just walked in to that floor, I guessed.

I sensed my throat was getting dried up. I gulped some water. It didn’t seem suffice. The lift beeped as the door opened. I entered in and the pressed the button which had ‘8’ inscribed on it. I was alone and this made me shudder more. I hadn’t told my parents about any of this. If I did, I was pretty sure that I would be peeled alive. The lift opened at the 8^th Floor as I got off into a long, deserted corridor. The signboard showed C 706 – 710 to my right.

The door was kept open as though they were waiting for me. They are expecting me for sure, I guessed. I rang the bell.

‘Hi’ Anu said, opening the partially closed door.

‘Hey’ I said, as I removed my shoes.

She led me into her dining room. The dining table was made of glass and around it were four chairs, of which two were empty. Jagadish sat at one end with Sudha to his right. Of the remaining two, one was just beside Sudha which I presumed was for Anu. The other one was remote at the opposite end. It seemed more like a war treaty than any kind of ‘boyfriend-meeting-girlfriend’s-parents’ meeting.

‘Hi’ Jagadish said, gesturing me to sit.

I sat right opposite to Jagadish.

‘Coffee?’ he asked. He seemed too courteous than I expected him to be.

The table had four steaming cups of caffeine. Jagadish had already sipped it twice. I was waiting for it to cool down.

‘Have your coffee my boy’ Jagadish said.

‘OK uncle’ I said, lifting the cup from the saucer.

I brought it close to my mouth and sipped. It burnt my tongue. Jagadish and his friend took another couple of sips. Sudha and Anu stayed silent sipping their coffees as slow as possible.

‘It’s very hot, uncle’ I said.

‘Is it?’ Jagadish asked, sipping again. He had gulped down almost half of it by now.

Was he trying to prove that he can drink tonnes of lava, I wondered.

‘Not really’ I managed, and wanted to try another sip. I desperately wanted to be a part of their family and I was changing my behaviour drastically to match theirs.

‘It’s hot, is it?’ Jagadish said, grabbing my cup when I was about to take another sip and placed it on the table.

I felt intruded.

‘You shouldn’t be trying to gulp what you cannot handle, my boy’ Jagadish said, with a grin creeping over his face.

Was he hinting at something? I thought for a while.

I placed the cup on the saucer. His grin grew wider. It was coated with arrogance.

Yes, he’s referring at you – something yelled from within.

I picked up the cup again. His grin faded. I sipped again. His face became pale.

‘So, you feel you can gulp it down?’ he asked.

‘Else, I wouldn’t have been crazy to be here’ I snapped back. I looked at Anu. Her face bore a what-the-hell-is-happening look.

‘Hmmm’ he sighed. Both of us knew that his metaphorical language was well communicated.

Anu placed her left hand on the table with her palm facing the sky. It bore a scar. And, scars remind you irrespective of much ever you want to forget or forgive.

Another year rewound further

Cafe Coffee Day, IITM

14:30 hrs

I remember her face as though it happened now. It seemed duller than ever. Her kajal was clearly been wiped off. Her eyes seemed to have lost its sheen. I am not a person who reads others by their face. I’m pathetic at it. But if I could read these, there was something really wrong.

She never placed her left hand on the table. She held it close to her. And, she seemed noticeably careful about it.

‘What’s with that hand?’ I asked, pointing to her left.

‘Nothing’ she said, withdrawing her hand further in.

‘Your nothing shows that there’s something’ I said, and looked up at the steward approaching us to get the order.

Her face dimmed further.

‘One Dark Passion Shake for myself’ she placed her order ‘and you?’

‘A hot cappuccino’ I said.

The steward got the food within seconds. The shop was empty except for us. The intermediary was filled with a highly unusual silence. Anu was never like that.

‘OK Anu, I know there’s something wrong but I don’t know what it is. If I knew, I could help’

She still maintained silence. The Dark Passion went unattended by her. The glutton in me attacked it. I bent down to take a sip.

‘Neil’ she called. I looked up. Her eyes brimmed with tears. And before I could react, they overflowed.

‘What's wrong Anu?’ I asked, hugging her. Sometimes, hugs can give the comfort words can’t.

She cried inconsolably.

‘Anu...’ I said, hugging her to my shoulders. She wept worse as I hugged tighter. ‘Whatever it is, it’ll pass on Anu’

She started to become breathless. She was inhaling gulps of air in instalments as tears continued to flow. I hugged her the tightest. I could feel her breathing heavily on my chest. I stood hugging her.

‘Can you promise me something?’ she asked, as she recovered herself. I was too scared to deny.

‘Anything for you’ I said bravely.

‘I don’t know how you are going to fit into my family. But whatever it is, will you promise me that you'll never fight with my dad? Can you just bear with him for my sake, forever?’

‘But why?’ I didn’t understand why she said that.

‘And, can your promise be unconditional?’

‘Anu...But...’

‘Yes or...’

‘Yes’ I promised. ‘But can I know why?’

‘I don’t know how to tell you Neil’ she said.

‘Just tell me whatever it is’

She opened her left palm. A red mark ran across her palm. I could see flesh and the skin around it were burnt. She had applied Burnol over it.

‘What the....’ I said as I feather-touched it. She withdrew her hand.

‘But...how did this happen?’

‘I told you not to ask anything. Unconditional’

‘Just tell how this happened?’

‘You know, hot steel can do this to you if your dad kept it on your palm even for a second’

‘Your dad did it?’ I was shell-shocked.

‘Your promise was unconditional’ she said again.

‘What the fuck? You don’t share a damn with me and what the fuck do you want me to understand?’ I screamed.

Tears refilled her eyes. I angrily sipped my cappuccino.

‘Even you don’t care for me, Neil?’

I couldn’t figure how she linked this to me caring for her. In fact, I cared for her so much that I wanted to know how this happened. Tears started to roll down.

‘OK OK... I'm there Anu’ I said, wiping off her tears. ‘I promise I won’t ask you that again’ I said as I held her hand firmly.

‘Ouch’ she yelped.

‘Oops... I'm sorry’ I said, letting go of her left hand.

‘Please don’t ask me why all this happened, Neil?’ she said.

‘I promise I won’t. But can you just tell me?’

She raised her brow.

‘Don't mistake me. But, is your father so bad?’ She knew that she had already blabbered earlier. ‘You can always say that you don’t want to tell me’ I said, to cover up my promise.

‘Not really, Neil. He’s a nice guy. He’s really caring. But occasionally, he’s a bit of a nutcase like how we all are. But then, he doesn’t realise that he’s gone nuts and does crazy stuff. A bit of an unpredictable character’ she said.

‘You mean to say he was mad when he did that to you?’

‘You promised me that you wouldn’t ask anything’ she was reminding for the umpteenth time.

I didn’t want to probe further. We had already become a free matinee show for the CCD stewards. I got to know more about her dad than what I ever wanted.

Back to – Random Day #2

That scar on her left hand always reminded me how unpredictable her dad was.

Was she hinting that I was rubbing him on his wrong side, I wondered as I got the cup closer to my mouth for another sip. And, a lot of things when you wonder what would happen.

A tight slap landed on my left cheek. Life seemed to move in slow motion. The cup flew off my hand and crashed on to the wall. A big pair of hands caught me by my collar and lifted me off the chair.

I was nose to nose with my girlfriend’s father.

‘You dare not talk against me, OK’ he said. I could feel his heavy breath on my face. I stood stunned for a moment. It took a second for me to get my sense back.

‘I can ruin your life’ he said, as he pulled me closer by my collar.

You are with an unpredictable mad ass Neil. Control, I told myself.

‘I can jail you and rip your flesh off’

You are with an unpredictable mad ass Neil. Control.

‘You think you can inherit my wealth, you bastard’ Jagadish screamed louder.

You are with an unpredictable mad ass Neil. Control, I told myself again.

‘I hate Tamilians. I hate Christians. I hate you and your family. Cheaters. Don't try wagging your tail with Hindus’

I am still not sure which part of that comment on Tamilians, Christians, my family, cheaters and I provoked me. May be, I was unpredictable too.

‘I don’t care a damn’ I said, removing his hands off my collar. ‘I hate my haters and you are no bloody fucking exception’ I yelled back.

Somehow, I was sure that the Indian within me was still alive and working.

‘NEIL’ Anu yelled. Clearly, I had broken the promise.

‘What? I don’t bother anything you tell me, Anu. Let me hate me. He can’t be a fucking caste addicted asshole’

‘NEIL. Can you mind your words?’ Anu warned.

‘Did he?’ I screamed, pointing at Jagadish.

‘You can’t talk like that to my dad’

‘He can’t accuse me or my family. Have I ever been disrespectful to this fellow?’ I said. In fact, I was being so.

‘HE’s MY DAD’

‘So?’ I yelled. ‘He’s another guy I know. That's all’

‘That’s all?’

‘YES. THAT’s ALL’ I screamed.

‘YOU CAN GET OUT, FUCKER’ Anu yelled.

‘WHAT??’ I couldn’t believe that she flipped towards her dad’s side in a minute. Rather, I should’ve expected this.

‘WHICH PART OF GET OUT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?’

‘Do you mean that?’ my voice suddenly seemed to shrink.

‘YES. AND, YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY LIFE’

‘What??’

‘YES. I CAN’T LIVE WITH A GUY WHO HATES MY DAD’

‘But your dad....’ I tried to defend, shamelessly.

‘GET OUT’ she yelled again.

Sudha and Jagadish looked at each other. I stared at Jagadish. Anu ran in to her room weeping.

He should’ve controlled his tongue. It’s his mistake, I consoled myself.

As I walked out, I banged the door close just to evidence my anger. That was the last time I ever saw their family. I didn’t dream of my life changing over a couple of hours.

Half an hour back

‘Riya said she wanted talk something’ Stella said. It seemed more like a command. And, only wives do that.

‘Is that something unusual? She talks daily’ I replied, as I arranged the plates on the dinner table.

‘Otherwise she wouldn’t tell me that she wanted to talk to you’

Stella had a point. My daughter had never told us that she wanted to talk. And when a girl of mid-twenties wants to talk, Indian parents think a lot.

Riya had tied her hair in to a bun.

‘Hi Paa, Hi Maa,’ she said, as she readied her plate to be served.

‘So, how was your day?’ Stella asked.

‘Maa before you could ask something, I wanted to tell both of you something’

‘Ya. Mom said you wanted to talk, unusually’ I chipped in. ‘Get me some rice, Stella’

‘OK Paa, you know I can’t beat the bush. You know Vikram right?’

‘Who?’ from your college?’

‘Yup’

‘Ya, I know him. What's with him?’

‘Well, what do you expect?’ she asked. Stella stood stopped digging for rice from the vessel.

‘What?’ I asked sceptically.

‘I want to marry him’ Riya said.

‘Who? Vikram?’

‘Yes’

‘NO WAY’ I screamed as my emotions surged high.

‘I thought you would say that’ Stella murmured.

‘I heard that’ I said.

‘I don’t find anything wrong, Neil’ Stella said, as she served rice on to Riya’s plate.

‘You mean you want to marry a Hindu?’ I asked flabbergasted as though it wasn’t evident.

‘I want to marry a man who loves me’ Stella corrected me.

‘NO WAY’

‘But why?’ Riya demanded.

‘IT’S JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE RIYA’ I yelled and walked off the dining table.

A few minutes back

‘Whatever it could be, I can’t stand her marrying Vikram, I tried to convince myself.

‘But, why?’  My mind-voice asked me.

‘You know I'm answerless,’ I said.

‘Aren’t you being stupid?’ It asked me.

‘Very much yes’ I owned up.

‘Then try being sane’

‘I just can’t see her getting married off to a Hindu’

‘Can you tell me why?’

‘I don’t have a reason’

‘I’ll tell you why, shall I?’

‘Yes’

‘It’s only because you couldn’t bang your Hindu babe. It’s only because you are carrying the effect of what happened in your life and dumping it in to the future. You don’t want others to get what you never got’

‘NO... NO...NO’ I tried to defend myself

‘YES... YES... YES...’ It refuted me.

‘NO’ I said, trying to convince my mind-voice.

‘YES. You are a selfish dumper’

‘NO’

‘Then why don’t you let your daughter be happy with her love?’

‘But Jagadish did something unfair’

‘Dude, Jagadish is past. He’s done. Why do you've to dump it on Vikram. For all you know, Vikram might turn up into another Jagadish tomorrow’

Introspection is the best way to resolve any conflict within you. I could hear my mind-voice arguing against me.

‘For all you know’ my mind-voice spoke again, ‘Jagadish might have dumped his burden on you because he couldn’t bang his Christian girlfriend. Probably’

‘Seems logical’ I agreed with my mind-voice. Its better you listen to it. Else, it attacks with guilt.

A few seconds back

I rearranged the dinner plates on the table. I heated the rice and sambar. I didn’t want to disturb Stella.

I went into Riya’s room. It was dark. I could hear somebody murmur.

‘I'm sure he’ll say OK’ the voice said.

I switched on the light.

Riya had her head on her mom’s lap and hugged her tightly.

‘Let’s have dinner’ I said.

‘I'm not hungry’ Riya said, with her tone firm.

‘Shall we alone have it or....’ I hesitated.

‘Or, what?’ Riya asked.

‘Or, should I ask Vikram to join his new family’ I said.

A smile crept into Riya’s face. She sat upright and looked into her mom’s eyes. I could finally see her face brighten.

‘I told you’ Stella told Riya.

‘Told her what?’ I asked.

‘That you are a bit unpredictable but...’ Stella stopped there.

‘But, what?’ I was curious. Incomplete sentences drill your cranium.

‘But you are certainly not nuts, Paa’ Riya said and hugged me.